so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
