Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
