I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think your dad took our porno
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
