Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
do nipples grow back?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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