...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
