every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
