Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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