I can tuck mytits in my pants
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
