The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
