ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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