so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
