does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
