What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
