You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
