I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
