Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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