I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
