he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
