We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
