Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.