Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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