the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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