I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
