Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
