my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
