I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
