everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
