they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
