And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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