Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
