my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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