I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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