So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
