Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
