omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
