I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
