i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
