Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
