I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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