dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
