the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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