i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
