I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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