I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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