You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
