i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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