Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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