I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
