So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
