He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
