God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
