We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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